Sometimes, when there’s a surplus of cash, The Hubz and I go shopping for home stuff. This wasn’t one of those times. This was a time when we were supposed to be shopping for my dad’s birthday that coincidently, was that day. It wasn’t that I had forgotten his birthday, I knew it was coming, I’d procured a proper card for him. I just never know what to get him for a gift. This left us with our last and final opportunity.
We started our journey at Burlington Coat Factory and got sidetracked into the Home Section. I laid my eyes upon a most glorious decorative bowl- it was turquoise with gold patterning inside- and had to have it. I checked the price tag- $7.99! What a steal! It was purchased. Sadly, we found nothing to my liking for my father at BCF and we were forced to move on to Marshall’s.
At Marshall’s, we poked around their Home Section. We found some neat decorative little balls to put in the bowl I had just bought, because whenever I go to visit a friend who Has Their Life Together, they all seem to have the same sort of decorative set-up: a nice large bowl with balls in it. I don’t question, I only covet.
After we grabbed the bag o’ balls, we moved on to their Kitchen Section. It was here that my husband’s brilliance truly shined: Kahlua flavored K-cups paired with biscotti! We grabbed them and headed for the checkout, with Hubz dragging me away from the cheap spa lotions and potions. My father was delighted with his new coffee ensemble.
When we returned home, we forgot the balls in the car. We didn’t realize they were missing until about bedtime, when we aloud wondered, “where did our decorative balls go?”
Looking at my sad, empty (but gorgeous), accent-less bowl got boring after a few days, so I turned to my husband, and before I fully realized the words that were escaping my mouth I asked him loudly, “Hey Hubz, did you ever find your balls?”
And I lost it.
I absolutely lost it. And I could not find it again.
As soon as the final “ss” sound rolled off my tongue, the complete understanding of the double entendre I had missed in my brain clicked and I immediately started hysterically laughing. This was very much to my husband’s dismay. As I was clutching my sides and trying desperately not to pee myself, I looked up at his face and saw an unholy hell of fury glaring back at me into my soul.
This only served to make me laugh harder.
Every night from then on, I inquired into the state of Hubz’s balls. Had he found them? Did he think they were sad and alone somewhere, all alone and forgotten?
Eventually he had to tell me to knock it off.
And then I found them.
BFF and I were getting coffee together and rather than sit in Starbucks, we decided we’d rather sit in the car and chat. It was there that we located… The Balls. Left in their Marshall’s shopping bag and fallen under the passenger seat, were The Balls. I was so pleased and had to relay The Balls Story to BFF.
We went to meet Hubz for dinner shortly afterwards. He worked only minutes away from the restaurant and met us there. I grew devil horns and grinned at BFF in the car as we parked, in the way only BFF’s know how. “Watch this,” I said, as if we were both 10 years old and conspiring to jump off a surface we probably had no business being on in the first place. I waited for Hubz to exit his vehicle near the entrance to the restaurant, grabbed the Marshall’s bag, and leapt out of the car.
“HONEY,” I yelled across the parking lot as I held the bag of balls proudly above my head ala Rafiki and Simba, “I FINALLY FOUND YOUR BALLS!”
I was again met with the fury of a thousand devil’s as my husband groaned loudly across the lot.
Sometimes I feel bad for him. But then I remember that nobody held a gun to his head the day he married me, and then I don’t feel that bad anymore, he knew the crazy lady he was agreeing to spend the rest of his life with.
BFF and I both ran over to smile and hug him as he tried his best to hide his amusement. Again, I remind you, he knew what he was signing up for.